I picked up Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People after feeling quite disappointed with another book, Mastery by Robert Greene.
Yet that disappointment did its job — it turned my attention toward social intelligence and emotional understanding, and that’s how I ended up with a truly valuable book in my hands.
I listened to Carnegie’s book once in full, and then decided to go through it again, this time slowly — with notes, reflections, and a focus on practice.
Jim Rohn first inspired me to keep a personal journal, but now this idea evolved into something broader — a social intelligence journal. Carnegie and Franklin both analyzed their relationships daily, learning from each interaction. That hit me hard: wisdom grows not from memory, but from reflection.
Part I — Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Carnegie opens with three timeless principles that shape all human interaction.
1️⃣ “If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.”
The first part of Carnegie’s philosophy is built on one powerful principle:
Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
It’s the foundation.
Criticism rarely changes people — it triggers defense and justification. Even the worst criminals considered themselves righteous. Carnegie quotes examples like Al Capone and prisoners from the Cincinnati penitentiary, who all had elaborate rationalizations for their actions.
A few lines stayed with me:
- “Criticism, like homing pigeons, always returns home.”
- Lincoln reminded: “Judge not, that ye be not judged.”
- Franklin vowed: “I will speak ill of no man and speak all the good I know of everybody.”
- And finally: even God doesn’t judge man until the end of his days — so who are we to judge others?
Skinner later confirmed in behavioral science what Carnegie already knew intuitively:
Reward works better than punishment. Criticism doesn’t reform — it hardens. Praise, patience, and empathy open doors.
One of the most powerful stories in this part is the one about the impatient father.
He scolded his son harshly until he realized how easily adults forget that a child is just a child.
That moment of awareness hit me too — how often do we demand maturity from someone who’s still learning?
It’s a reminder that understanding must precede judgment, and that patience is not weakness but perspective.
2️⃣ “Give honest and sincere appreciation.”
Carnegie says that if we want others to do something, we must make them want to do it.
The hidden motive of human nature is the desire to feel important.
People crave appreciation as much as they crave food.
It’s not vanity — it’s a basic psychological need.
I can see that even in myself: vanity only amplifies that hunger.
That connects naturally with what James Clear later expressed in Atomic Habits: our behavior follows our sense of identity and recognition.
It’s possible that Clear drew this idea straight from Carnegie — he just translated it into the modern language of habit formation.
But Carnegie warns about one trap — the difference between praise and flattery.
Praise is sincere. Flattery is deceit.
Flattery is telling someone what they already believe about themselves, while true praise recognizes real effort or virtue.
That distinction might look small, but it’s everything.
It reminds me of the quote:
“Every person I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn from them.”
That attitude — genuine respect — is what separates manipulation from influence.
3️⃣ “Arouse in the other person an eager want.”
When it comes to motivating others (and especially children), Carnegie suggests focusing on what they want, not what you want.
If you want a child to avoid sweets, don’t say “Don’t eat that” — instead say, “Strong athletes don’t eat sweets.”
Frame the message around their aspiration, not your rule.
Carnegie gives a beautiful example of this principle.
A young boy refused to eat, and his father couldn’t make him.
Then he realized the boy wanted to be strong — to stand up to another kid who bullied him and took his bike.
So the father told him, “Strong boys eat well.”
The problem disappeared immediately.
It wasn’t manipulation — it was alignment.
He quotes Professor Overstreet:
“He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”
Finally, Carnegie concludes this first section with what he calls the secret of success:
The ability to see things from another person’s point of view — and from your own.
He says that if you remember only one idea from the entire book, remember this one.
Because once you learn to see through someone else’s eyes, everything in human relations becomes easier.
Principles from Part I:
- Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
- Give honest and sincere appreciation.
- Arouse in the other person an eager want.
This is just the beginning of the journey — the first law of influence.