I grew up with a general awareness of Jesus — not rejection, not devotion, just quiet acceptance.
Looking back, I think I was lucky to be exposed to these ideas early.
And now, as an adult, I feel ready to face them with a clearer mind.
I’m not looking for religion-as-identity.
I’m searching for something real.
Because the more I read, the more I believe:
If everyone truly lived the way He taught — Earth would be a utopia.
Why Didn’t the Jews Accept Him?
That’s where I started.
If Isaiah said a virgin would give birth…
If Micah said the Messiah would come from Bethlehem…
Why did they miss it?
Maybe I can understand ancient confusion. People expected a warrior — a divine general.
But modern Jews? Many are brilliant. Wise. Studied.
So I imagined asking a rabbi:
“Okay. Forget the history. Just tell me one thing:
What did Jesus say that was wrong?”
Because I can’t find it.
Jesus Praises a Pagan — and Redefines “Chosen”
Matthew 8:5–13 — the Roman centurion.
“I have not found such faith even in Israel.”
And then the shocker:
“Many will come from east and west and sit with Abraham… while the sons of the kingdom will be thrown out.”
So maybe Israel wasn’t chosen to be favorites,
but to be vessels — to carry God to the world.
And maybe that’s still the hardest thing for any “religious insider” to accept:
That faith isn’t DNA. It’s response.
When Jesus Doesn’t Fast — and I Disagree
One moment shook me: Matthew 9:14–17.
John’s disciples ask: Why don’t your people fast, like we do?
And Jesus talks about weddings and wineskins. I get it — new season, new approach.
But I didn’t like it.
Fasting wasn’t bad.
It was discipline. It was reverence.
Even if Jesus brought something new, why diminish something done sincerely, for God?
That’s when I remembered the woman.
When a Woman Changed God’s Mind
Matthew 15. A non-Jewish woman begs Jesus to heal her daughter.
He says:
“I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.”
“It’s not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.”
She doesn’t flinch:
“Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from the table.”
And then… He praises her.
And He changes His mind.
That hit me hard.
Maybe I don’t have to agree with every word He says.
Maybe it’s okay to say:
“Lord, I don’t get it. I don’t like this.
But I’m here, and I’m listening.”
Religious Self-Deception — and False Prophets
Matthew 7:21–23 felt like a gut punch:
“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom…”
He warns against spiritual illusion — even among those who preach, prophesy, cast out demons.
That’s not about atheists.
That’s about priests.
About people who wear robes and titles and claim authority.
I saw myself in that mirror too.
How often do I pretend holiness while hiding fatigue, pride, or fear?
“And the Gates of Hell Shall Not Prevail” — But Over What?
Jesus said to Peter:
“On this rock I will build my Church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.”
It sounds like a guarantee.
But maybe it’s not about hierarchy.
Maybe it’s not the institution He promised to protect.
Maybe it’s the truth — the fire of the Gospel, the quiet revolution in the human heart.
That hasn’t been defeated.
That still burns.
Not All Souls Are the Same?
The parable of the weeds and wheat (Matthew 13) shook me.
Jesus says:
- The good seed are “children of the kingdom.”
- The bad seed are “children of the evil one.”
But here’s the twist that haunted me:
Jesus is the sower of good seed.
And the evil one? He sows too.
So maybe not all humans are born as neutral soil.
Maybe not everyone is “a good person deep down.”
Maybe some are — from the start — sown as darkness.
At first, you can’t tell the difference.
The weeds and wheat grow side by side.
But as time passes… their nature is revealed.
And maybe that’s why Jesus says:
“Let them grow together until the end.”
Because we can’t always know.
But the angels will.
The Most Mysterious Part — the Kingdom
“Kingdom of Heaven.” I thought it meant paradise. The reward.
But Jesus keeps describing it in riddles:
- like a mustard seed,
- like yeast,
- like treasure,
- like a net.
And then:
“The Kingdom is like a man who sowed good seed…”
Later, He says:
“That man is the Son of Man.”
So… is the Kingdom a person?
Is it a place? A presence? A reality in the soul?
I don’t know.
All I know is:
when I forgive, when I hold back judgment, when I feel grace — it feels like something holy is growing inside me.
And maybe that’s what He meant.
So What Is All This?
This isn’t theology.
This isn’t doctrine.
It’s a series of moments where something landed.
And I stopped and whispered:
“Maybe that’s what He meant…”
I’m not here to be right.
I’m here to be honest.
And I think He can work with that.
To be continued — in silence, in questions, in time.